Is your neighbour a zombie?

Friendly neighbourhood zombieNow if Hollywood has taught us anything, its some basic knowledge about surviving those highly-inconsiderate zombie outbreaks. As Hollywood likes to assume everyone’s dumb they make everything in films really quite obvious, but real life isn’t like that. So how’d you know the guy in the cubicle next to you, or the women next to you on the train, isn’t in the first stages of becoming a zombie?

Here’s a few signs that you should keep an eye out for when you’re down the shops / at the next big game / in those dark cinemas / crossing those cemeteries during freak storms…

The way zombies walk

Zombies walking
The funky zombie shuffle

Their gait resembles someone who has had far too much to drink.

Important to note they’re not flailing all over the place like a drunk trying to grab the moving scenery, unless of course you’re very close. In which case they’re not trying to grab you to steady themselves, but rather to begin their dinner.

Its more noticeable by the way they shuffle their feet. This jerky, limping, dragging kind of movements reflects their motor-neurons in their brain slowly turning to mush as the virus within them gains grounds.

Thankfully though, this painfully slow characteristics of them gives you plenty of time to escape assuming you’re not ambushed or stupid.

Why won’t you bleed!

Inability to bleed. This has to be taken at face value, if the person has a cause to bleed and yet refuses to leak gooey red gunk all over your nice new beige carpet, its likely to be because they no longer need it to stay alive. However on the flip side, going round stabbing people with scissors for the office ‘routine zombie check-up’  may just end up with your blood on the carpet. Use caution.

Zombie deodorant needed

The person has a rather funky odour, a wonderful mixture of scents made from the combination of body fluids, dried blood, decaying flesh and maybe even some gun-shot residue. Warning though, some people do legitimately work in these conditions; surgeons, butchers and sewage engineers to name a few.

Bring the pain!

Eh.. you've got something in your teeth
Eh.. you’ve got something in your teeth

They seem to have a horrendously high pain threshold, or a blatant disregard for their missing limbs. This is a good indicator cos’ even those macho guys you know from work / gym / school will have trouble hiding their expressions while trying to walk on broken ankles or while missing a forearm.

However any event you may encounter a zombie in is likely to fill people with adrenaline, which in some circumstances, causes people not to be aware of even large wounds to their bodies.

Whiter than white

They have the complexion of an over keen programmer who never sees the sun, that is, fairly pale or even bluey-greenie in tint. Their lack of flowing blood quickly gives them the death make-up. (As one of those programmers I’d recommend people use this symptom sparingly please… pretty please…)

You said what?

Their language skills have drastically declined from forming coherent sentences to a mixture of moaning and intangible grunting. Unable or unwilling to communicate, the zombies thankfully are also unable to coordinate attacks. It seems more and more people actually do converse in grunts, so be careful when using noting this as a symptom.

Zombie buffets

Lets finish on a biggie. They appear usually in pairs or triplets, bent over consuming the entire contents of the chest cavity of a person you recently chatted to. This should suddenly ring 3 bells in your zombie-prepared mind:

Zombies eating

  1. Eating another person is unnatural. A good first sign something is awry.
  2. There’s already a few possible zombies. Signs the infection/outbreak has been going on for a longer period. Symptoms may be noticed in a groups of people.
  3. They’re consuming someone you just spook to; a.k.a they’re very close! Move away until you can either reasonably prove or disprove what the hell’s going on!

So there you go, if someone is fitting at least 3 of those conditions I’d seriously think about giving them a wide berth… or a double tap to the brain… whichever is easiest.

To be honest after compiling this list I’m surprised I ever made it through my teenage years, what with being a pale drunk teenager.

Stay alert. Stay alive.

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